The gatekeepers to sex; are we women too selfish in modern marriage?
I just put down an article that I read in a Dutch Women’s Magazine (to be honest, a fairly glossy and influential one). The lady writer of the article explains how she and her girlfriends discussed the topic of weekend getaways with husband. According to the writer most of her girlfriends were looking forward to leaving the kids behind and go on an adventure with hubby. But the girls were discussing on how to avoid the nights in their fancy hotel room with above mentioned man, because having sex was not on their list. And yes, hubby was probably going to hint on it, was maybe even slowly going to push for it. But the ladies agreed to stand strong, because “Aren’t we allowed to say no when it comes to our own bodies?”
Seeing that women are the gatekeepers to sex in a relationship, hubby returns home emptyhanded perhaps a little frustrated, or even worse, ashamed of his intentions.
Nursing children and familiarity
This article stuck with me for many many more days and nights to come. I couldn’t help but taking this girls talk into deep consideration. What are the nowadays married women suggesting? That it is more important to be in charge of your own body than to consider your (sexual) relationship with the man you married?
And ladies, please don’t get me wrong, I have been there, done that. Nursing young children and a hot session on the bed are as incompatible as Africa and comfortable living. Esther Perel writes in her International Bestseller that women struggle to integrate sexuality and motherhood. And that the politics of motherhood, the myth of chastity, and the medicalization of pregnancy and childbirth all conspire to deprive motherhood of its sexual elements.
And I am not only talking about motherhood. Also the familiarity and safety of long term relationships is a killer for seduction and desire. On my platform I speak to a lot of married men that have fantasies and want to explore more, preferably with wifey. But even the thought of bringing up the spicy topic at the dinner table, is unimaginable. Very simply put; the search for fun and pleasure in secret will avoid the “shameful talk” and seems like the better option.
The unappreciated masculinity
After some consideration and comparison with my girlfriends around me I think I can conclude I am not a feminist. I enjoy the energy between the masculine and feminine, I think we should keep it like that. Men do the hard work, women the pink stuff. Oh and also, I get weak knees from big and tall tattooed men on motorbikes, especially if they can fix my leaking roof and drive my car.
The Canadian writer and Podcaster, Richard Cooper writes in his book “The Unplugged Alpha Male”, that men face harsh realities in life nowadays. Things like the almost certain loss of custody of children in divorces, the disadvantage in domestic abuse cases and the rise of feminism in the workplace.
Perhaps feminism is blinding us ladies, fuelled by movements like #MeToo and the glass ceiling (if there even is any). Are we women too selfish nowadays to accept and appreciate the masculinity?
Sex workers and temporary contracts
So yes, and now what? Solutions could be controversial, but if we want to move away from the culture of infidelity, we should. Temporary wedding contracts could be a great option. We are happy, have amazing sex, until the passion expires and we move on. Or is this too short sighted and are we forgetting about our children that need a steady start in their lives?
What about becoming a bit more open towards inviting others in to the relationship? Let hubby set up a date with this gorgeous Lady Love who will give him a good session and will make the experience safe and clean. There are many beautiful sex workers out there who are amazing in their (blow)jobs.
I don’t have the answer and I am sure that every marriage should find their own ways. I do know that unplugging from societal and/or even religious rules might give us a bit more open-mindedness in our approach to marriage and long term relationships in the future.
Please excuse me for only shining this one light on unhappy married couples nowadays, there is way more to discuss and debate on! Would love to hear your thoughts: firstname.lastname@example.org